Confession Tuesday

The Brown Hat by Henry Strater
1930, 33x21", Oil on canvas
OMAA Permanent Collection, Maine
© 2010 Oqunquit Museum of American Art

Dear Reader,

It's been one week since my last confession and one snowstorm I drove home from a poetry reading in, which brought me to this conclusion--  I was born to drive in the snow.

I confess I don't feel much has been going on in my life to confess about, but it's Tuesday, so I must come up with something.  Hmmm... 

To the confessional--

I confess last night I took a large pair of scissors and cut up my yearly posters from the last 10 poster nights and kept only my favorite images.   It felt good to keep only my favorites and discard anything that no longer appealed to me.

The image above, The Brown Hat by Henry Strater, is an absolute favorite of mine from my 2002 poster.  It was my center image.  I remember someone saying I liked it because it looked like me.  And I admit I can see the resemblance, I have her eyebrows.  Though I think it looks more like Tea' Leoni (I believe that's her name, she's married to the guy from The X-Files).

~

I confess I was surprised to find that 3 of my posters had images of Albert Einstein on them and I couldn't figure out what that meant-- an intellectual theme, a doing-your-own-thing theme, a bad-hair-day theme.

When I ask myself why the image of Albert Einstein resonates for me, I think it's for two reasons-- he appreciated the imagination and he was smart.  Two things I also appreciate in others.

~

I confess some of the images I kept might inspire poems.  But I confess further that I haven't been writing much (if at all) and I've been submitting my work less than that.

Much of my life since about December 15th has been focused on family things, details, tasks, chores, deadlines and other projects.  I no longer worry when I'm not writing, but I know I will.  There was a time when lack of writing time made me angry and resentful, now I realize that I can go without writing and it's okay-- my heart still beats, I can still find happiness and love in others--because I know I will be writing again soon.

~

I confess I was surprised to see that on the years before I lost my vision for 6 weeks due to optic neuritis, I had images on my poster of women all with things covering their eyes (from rose petals to cucumbers) and one drawing of a woman had no eyes.

I'm not saying I believe that these posters hold the magical power that "created" my loss of sight, but I do wonder if deep deep inside me I intuited something...  Or perhaps, it was just a coincidence, something I'm now drawing meaning and connection to based on a huge event in my life.  It's probably that but still, whenever I put an image of a woman on my poster, I make sure her eyes aren't covered.

~

I confess while I've changed some over the last ten years, I realize much of my goals are the same--live simply, be compassionate, stay organized, and write.

It makes me wonder if people *really* change?

Are our deepest beliefs, characteristics, and feelings still the same as they were many years ago?  From childhood?  I know I'm a much kinder and less selfish person than my 16 year old self, but I would think (hope) most people are.  I know some of me of changed, but I know there is still a part deep inside me that's quite the same tomboy who loved collecting rocks.  I still find beauty in rocks.

But maybe it's that my older self needs to realize that if I find I have a bad habit I want to change that things just don't go away overnight-- it's a series of small steps over a long time.

Whether I'm working towards living a certain way, it's not something that just happens in 21 days, but years of practice.  I guess part of me always believed we can change quickly, but change is much of a 5K event than a sprint. 

I know I stumble a lot and still have so much to learn.

Amen.








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