Confession Tuesday

Magnolias in bloom: Small Town, WA

I am full of thoughts --hodgepodge, overload, heavysteps--so the confessional doors at busting open. No intro, no welcome, I am falling head over untied shoes into the confessional and beginning... Hold on to your virtual rosaries, it's been a wild week--

To the confessional--

I confess I have been going to bed with a full mind. Sort of like an overstuffed purse that is dropping receipts and tissue as you walk. I am messy and spilling over. I am a full tree of magnolia blooms, opening, opening, opening.

At night when I fall into bed, I am like a cat whose fur is full of static. I may be resting, but there is so much energy going on.

In fact, I've been having my anxiety dreams, dreams where I have lost 1) my wedding ring 2) my iPhone or I have 1) forgotten to take some important medicine I need to survive (note: I do not take any medicine except allergy medicine in the spring, so this is a dream-created medicine I am afraid I'm missing), 2) I have forgotten to give someone medicine, 3) I have forgotten I have pets and realize I have not fed them for months 4) I have forgotten that I have a bird that I keep in my armoire (um, I do not own a bird).

Can you see a theme?

I have had these anxiety dreams since I was 24. They vary, they come and go, but they have never completely left.

~

My friend A. has returned from a week long retreat and still has Retreat Brain (that special quiet and calmness you get from being cut off from the world for a week). She says she is losing it, not her mind, but that retreat feeling. I yearn for that quiet when my mind has its volume on high.

~

I confess last night I found myself reading the local news and regretting it.

Before I went to Hedgebrook I was an NPR junkie, but I confess, I haven't been listening to it during the day, only the shows I love that are not overly-news filled. I hate to say it, but it was just bringing me down. I constantly look for that balance of being informed, but not being overwhelmed.

Sometimes I lean towards becoming the ostrich with my head in the sand.

Sometimes you (I) need to be the ostrich.

~

I confess I cut my hair with orange craft scissors. And I do this all the time.

If I had a motto shirt it could read: Hair by Impatience.

~

Someone said to me recently, "You have great skin." I confess that is not complete. What they said was, "You have great skin for someone in their forties..." (I'm 41.) Still, it was a compliment with a bite of venom for fun.

But I will tell you my skincare secret (shhhhhh).... Ivory soap and Lubriderm (unscented for normal to dry skin). I have been using both of these since I was in my 20's.

Though I have recently purchased Olay (aka Oil of Old Lady) Skin foam (Olay Total Effects Cream Cleanser, 6.5-Ounces (Pack of 2) to use at night because my skin has been dry this winter.

~

Because I wasn't a cute or pretty child, getting older hasn't been a big deal to me because I think I'm actually getting better looking (really, I might not be, but I like myself more and I think that's the most important kind of beauty). When you're not pretty as a child, you have nothing to lose as you age. I had no idea how much of a benefit this would be for me.

Plus, I think attitude and intellect (aka brain power) portray beauty more than good skin and a hot bod.

~

Amen.