Thoughts before 2019: Am I the Kisser, the Kissee, or the Onlooker?

I was reading one of my old New Year's Resolutions posts from 2013 and I realized not much has changed.

Here's what I wrote:

"I confess I lost a decade somewhere.  I was writing poetry, or raising a daughter, or writing a book, cleaning the house, editing, or mountain biking and I somehow misplaced about ten years.

In certain ways, ten years feels as if it were such a long time ago.  When I think that my first book which came out in 2004, I can hardly remember it.

But I'm also realizing my best poet friends have been my friends for over a decade now.  I've lived in the same house for 17 years.  Things I thought were choices (such as my daily breakfast of coffee and raisin bran) are actually habits.  

Which makes me consider my life, and my life passing: Am I living deliberately or what I think are choices are actually habits?  Am I paying attention to what matters to me?  

Or more visually, like the photo above-- Am I being kissed or am I the onlooker?"


Now, reading post the one thing that stands out to me besides that I now having muesli everyday instead of Raisin Bran, is that I wrote, 

"Am I being kissed or am I the onlooker?"

My concern with that question is that -- if I'm being kissed, then it means I'm waiting for someone/something to do something so I can be engaged in the moment.

I don't want to be part of the "pick me" generation. 

So I think the biggest change this year is I'm stepping up. Things have changed since that last post 6 years ago-- I am no longer in that same house and my daughter is at college. 

If anything holds me back this year, I no longer have the excuse of parenting or not enough time. So, yeah, accountability, it's the nametag I'm wearing.

Anyway, looking again at the photo-- maybe I'm none of the those people (the kisser, the kissee, or the onlooker), maybe I'm the full glass of champagne, sparkly and bubbly, and just being the best I can as the world does its thing...


~ Kells ________________