It's been a couple weeks since my last confession. What does this mean? There's a lot to talk about and I've had a lot of insecurities lately, so if you have these (or any) insecurities also, you will know you are not alone...
To the confessional--
I confess, while I do like some of my photos, I tend not to like them until about a week or month or so has passed. Only then can I look back at the image and not see myself, but some other person and maybe it's with time, I see myself as someone else and maybe I'm easier on her, I'm not sure.
On Sunday I had the opportunity to work with an amazing photographer named Kat St. John. She's not only a photographer, but a makeup artist too. The full-meal deal.
I arrive with my hair a little ferryboat windblown and absolutely no makeup. On the ferry, I kept thinking people were looking at me. I wondered, "Is it because I look worse...or better?" This brought up insecurities that 1) I am a horror sans makeup 2) I do not know how to apply makeup so when I don't wear it, I look better and people are noticing.
Either way, they were probably looking at me because I was carrying a men's suit onto the boat and a few other hangers of items I brought for the photoshoot.
Kat does my makeup and we went with something out of my comfort zone-- dark eyeliner and shadow. This is good for me. I am routine and love my comfort zone (a lot).
I have a graduate degree, have cofounded a small press, kayaked with Orca whales, given birth, can do a handstand, I mountain bike down steep thin-trailed hills, and always choose the fastest line at a bank, but I cannot for the life of me, apply eyeshadow without making myself look as if I'm trying to out for the part of Frank N. Furter in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
We start to take photos, I am awkward at best, goofball at worst. I freeze up, I try to look casual, smart, sexy, interesting, alluring-- but my face always looks the same: dorky and confused.
Kat helps by directing me with what to do with my hands, which I had forgotten about. She is encouraging, funny, easy, and making me feel much more comfortable with myself. I get better, by the end, I'm actually attempting to pose and almost *be* model-like, at least in spirit.
I confess in my rational mind, I know I'm not hideous, but when I think look at photos I tend to notice things I don't like. I know this isn't helpful.
Like my nose. It's broken. And if we somehow get into a topic about broken noses, I will grab your hand and make you touch my nose so you can feel the bump. Yes, that's weird. But I do it every time. We may have just met and if you bring up broken noses, you are feeling my face.
But here's the thing, when I look at other people, I don't see any of that. In fact, unless someone is a jerk or an arse to me or someone else, I have hard time *not* falling in love with them. When I look at others, I tend to see beauty, and when I look at myself, I see a list of mistakes.
I don't want this to sound completely miserable. It's not, sometimes I can see the good things too and do.
|photo by Kat St. John|
Kat takes beautiful photographs so I've had to look at myself with new eyes.
I'm trying my best to this. This is wonderful and painful at the same time. Why is it so hard to love ourselves ( says the poet switching into "we" because it's so much easier to say than "I"). Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't.
Insecurities as Poet:
I had a book release reading which went wonderfully, over-the-top fantastic, standing-room-only-on-a-sunny-day! Books sold! People came and said nice things.
A half-hour before the reading, I said, "What if nobody shows up?"
I worry that no one likes/liked or will ever my work. Why would anyone come to see me?
I keep a long list of shallow insecurities.
I can get this weird need for validation and not all the time, but every-so-often, and when it comes on full-force I think, "This is ridiculous to need this much acknowledgment." But there it is.
I think part of it is being a writer/artist in the world.
I think part of it is being human.
This want to be validated.
This you-are-amazing-and-talented! This you-have-so-much-to-offer!
But the worst feeling or need to be validated is wanting something, but not knowing what it is.
Like being chosen for a play I didn't even know I was auditioning for, I sometimes yearn for that. Being picked out of a crowd.
Maybe the spring and a little more sunshine will help the light shine through. Maybe I just need to be a little less hard on myself. All things I'm trying to work on.
We need to realize we are enough.
We always have to be enough.
I know one way to help everything is gratitude. Maybe that's what I need more of in my life. Maybe a more thankfulness all around.
(P.S. If you'd like, please feel free to add your own insecurities in comment section-- anonymous comments always welcome for those feeling shy). It kind of feels good to say them out loud...
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