Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Confession Tuesday


Well, it's Tuesday, there's sun in the Northwest, an orange tractor in my yard, and am ridiculously lazy.  I guess I should confess...

To the Confessional--

I confess on the sunniest day of the year, when everyone was out and being active, I stayed inside in my PJs all day and read with my daughter.  I also got some work done and watched the documentary Good Hair with Chris Rock.

If you're a husband, and you've *ever* thought your wife spent too much on her hair, just watch this film and you will be thankful that your wife doesn't have a weave, and if she does...I'm very sorry for your checking account.

But it was a very interesting documentary and well, I *heart* Chris Rock, so I really couldn't lose with this one.

~

I confess that a friend of mine is turning 40 and she's heard 40 is the best decade.  Since I'm not 50 (which I've heard is *even* better), I will say my 40's are (so far, I'm only in the opening years) better than my 30's.

My 30's were anxiety-filled.  I was wound very tight.  There were people in my life I kept in my life because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

My 40's are much less apologetic.  I'm still try not to be mean and keep my compass pointed at kindness, but I don't keep people in my life who aren't good for me anymore.

I also feel more of who I am now than in my 30's.

I spent a lot of my thirties trying to fit in with the other moms at my daughter's school only to realize I suck at scrapbooking and that I didn't have a lot in common with them except that we had unprotected sex around the same time and 9 months later had a child.  

~

I confess the less I volunteer at my daughter's school, the happier I am.

I know, that sounds very Mommy Dearest, but honestly, it's true.  I loved seeing her and being there for her, but really just being in the situation of her social world and the school's energy tied me in knots.  I over-thought everything.  And worried.

I confess field trips were the worst.  The bus ride was a short purgatory.  Then as an extra you-might-be-in-hell bonus, having to watch other people's kids.  I was not born with the everything-will-be-fine gene, I was born with the omg-why-is-that-boy-walking-on-the-edge-of-the-downtown-street-someone-is-going-to-die-on-this-field-trip gene.

~

I confess I'm getting better at handling anxiety and some days I think I've mastered it, but it comes back sometimes and I have to think, "Oh right, I still haven't lost that baggage yet."

I wonder if becoming older helps me with my anxieties because I just can't remember what I was worried about.  Hmmm, if this is the case, I can imagine my 50's anxiety-free. Okay, another reason growing older has its perks.

Amen.

5 comments:

Flash Paper Poetry said...

I love your confessions.

I am loving my 60's (I'm 61). Other than some physical stuff, I'm mellow and circumspect, I'm not so much into any one elses' business anymore.

Kelly said...

"I spent a lot of my thirties trying to fit in with the other moms at my daughter's school only to realize I suck at scrapbooking and that I didn't have a lot in common with them except that we had unprotected sex around the same time and 9 months later had a child."

Bless you for this - ditto!

and this, too:

"I confess the less I volunteer at my daughter's school, the happier I am."

Replace daughter with son and it's me. Your courageous honesty inspires me. Thanks.

kcm

Poetic Soul said...

The less you volunteer huh, classic.. I'm in my 20s and looking forward to all you've mentioned

Kells said...

Thanks, Flash! Glad to hear good thoughts on the 60's too!

Kelly-- You're welcome. I mention these things because I want others to realize we all don't fall into the "mom" category stereotypically and that it's okay. Thanks for your note. I always love hearing that others also feel that way!

Poetic Soul-- I definitely say to continue to look forward to these things, but don't feel bad if you fit the "perfect mom" mold.

I spent a lot of time questioning what was wrong with me, why I didn't like doing the things other moms did. I still did a lot, but I never felt as if I fit the "mom mold." --I don't like to cook, I don't like organizing birthday parties (or handmaking decorations, costumes, etc.) all these things I watched other moms doing, field trips were never fun for me--I took them way too seriously and as I said, worried the whole time...

BUT you may LOVE all these things! And that's great!

I'm not saying moms with these crazyskills should hide them or pretend to be interested in poetry, what I'm saying is honor yourself and your style.

Just always remember to listen to your own heart.

Valerie said...

So much of what you've said applies to me, here too! I've never filled out the PTO volunteer forms; and my kids seem to be OK so far :-). I'm happy that there are other moms who are willing. It might be a different story if we were at a school full of apathetic parents -- then I'd probably feel the need to step up somehow, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I'm in my 40s and I'm enjoying it although I don't care for the extra wrinkles so much :-).

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