It's been one week since I last confessed. What can I say, I've been pretty good, but not pure, not perfect or purrfect. I'm not even sure where to begin, I'm not sure what I have to say. I'll try, reader, already, forgive me for not knowing where to begin...
1) The Sadness-- I've talked to quite a few friends and many have been waking up with "the sadness." They pull themselves into their day and put on a happy face, but more than one have said they feel that if they let themselves they could break down in tears.
I don't know what, but I think there's something up, a weird energy of sorts. Maybe it has to do with the upcoming election, maybe the planets are in some funky order that steals a bit of contentment each day, maybe it's just a restructuring of sorts.
Have you felt this way lately? Is it autumn? The changing of the seasons? Even my friend's chickens are molting. Are we?
2) Night Mind --Today, I woke up feeling better but still not as energetic as usual, but I did have a bad dream about someone ripping down an Obama sign and tossing red paint all over a theatre sign where he was going to speak.
I've been having vivid dreams. I may be writing them here just to keep track, so my apologies because as Max Beerbohm has said, "People who insist on telling their dreams are among the terrors of the breakfast table." I don't want to be your terror...but it may happen.
3) The One Who Should Have Got Away --I hated the ending to the movie Definitely, Maybe. I won't go into details in case anyone hasn't seen it, but let me just say I was not pleased...
4) Generous - My neighbor with the giant garden has built a big table outside his front yard with the words "FREE" on it. He fills the table with all the extra vegetables and fruits he has grown. There is a part of me that always wants to leave money on the table when I take something, but I know he just wants to share with others.
Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if all of our houses came with a table outside labeled "FREE" and we could put all the things we don't need on it. I think the world would be a friendly, nicer place.
5) Boxes - My least favorite character flaw in myself is that while I try to see people as individuals, sometimes I find myself grouping people into categories--democrats, republicans, californians, northwesty types, etc. I think it happens because it's easier to say "because of this equals this."
But I need to remember that like myself, people are complex. I may garden, hike, and love nature, but I also like to have my hair done and have nice toenails. I may have said this before, but I have tried many times to fit myself into a category --granola, grunge girl, business woman, bohemian, earth mother, fashionista--but realize I can never quite fit. I'm not organic enough for the organic group or stylish enough for the stylish group. I think if I were in a group, it would mishmash. I think if were a vegetable, it would be stir-fry.
I think I'm realizing as I get older that even if we think we can place someone in a certain group like watercolor paint being set no a wet page, we blend into other areas. And maybe that's the most important thing, to not try to fit in perfectly somewhere, to be a little of everything or not. Just don't let others define you. Or me. It's easy to try to box us all in. Maybe it feels safer that way. Maybe it's just easier than taking the time to get to know someone better. I'm not sure, but I'm thinking about it. And trying to be better.
6) What's Left -- I still have a henna tattoo on my hand from Sept 1st, but it's fading fast.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008